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 Dede's story corner

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dedebird
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PostSubject: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:16 am

I would love to share stories with you ppl that i made up by myself with pictures and everything if possible! I really like writing books so plz plz plz tell me wat u think ppl!!!!!
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dedebird
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:30 am

ok ppl im so happy i can finally give u my first story!! enjoy and plz comment on it!

Milly yawned her biggest yawn and blinked sleepily. then it hit her with a jolt of excitment it was her 10th birthday!!! "Yes, i can fianally get my first pokemon and start my journey!" yelled Milly. Her mom heard her and said "ok dear, make sure to get ur stuff packed and eat breakfast before you leave hon." "Oh mom, you know i did that last night!" exclaimed Milly, she was so excited that she could hardly keep still! while she was packing her mom said, "here hon would you like to take this dress with you?" "A dress?" asked milly in amazement "you know i don't like dresses!" when she saw her mom's face fall she said, "Oh, well, you know it is pretty i'll take it just in case!" "Oh dear, thank you so much don't forget to call ok?" said Milly's mom, almost before she could finish her sentence Milly was out the door. "bye mom i'll call you later!" yelled milly. She was on her way to prof. Zamen's labrotory to chose her first pokemon. she thought to herself, i wonder what i should get cyndaquil totadile or chikorita? "hmmm," she said to herself, "I'll decide when i get there" when she got there, the three pokemon were lined up and ready for her to chose one who will she choose? come back again to find out!
srry i don't think i can do pics ill figure it out but not right now bye!
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Pteraclaw
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 15, 2010 6:29 pm

I'll read it.

I'm not sure if I should comment on the actual story itself, because whenever I do it makes me sound like I thought it was crap (regardless of whether I did or not).

Photobucket is a good image-storing site, if you're looking for one.

Good luck. I can never stick with a story long enough to make it in any way long.
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:39 pm

lol great job so far dede ill keep reading it and keep in touch most likely daily Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:04 am

lol thanks z_z and i'll try the photo shop i guess i think i have a better idea, and i also always try to stick to the story till its over!! Time for the next part!

"Well, lets see here your a cutie!" she yelled into cyndaquils face, the cyndaquil was terrified so it used ember in her face, after he did he had an asamed look on his face but milly didn't notice. "but mabye not cute enough," she coughed. "totadile is just not cute at all but i'm terrified of water types anyway simply because i hate water," she told prof. Zamen. "I don't think you should judge pokemon like that!" said the prof. "Ya, your right, i'm sorry totadile," she said, but then she thought to herself, i still don't like them. she looked at the chikarita who was boerd and didn't seem to care at all. "Oh your cute!" she told the chikarita, the chikarita didn't seem to care, on the other hand cindaquil was ashamed that he did that to her and wish that he didn't do that he looked at the two and then with a huge leap he jumped out the window and with full speed he ran. "cyndaquil wait!" cried prof. Zamen, but cyndaquil kept running. "Why did he run away?" asked Milly. "probably cause he was ashamed and now jelous that you will pick chikarita," said the proffeser. "Well, then i'll go look for him its my fault anyway!" said milly after a little time in thought. "well ok, but please becareful!" said prof. Zeman. Milly ran out the door and in the direction that the cyndatuil ran. will she catch up to the cyndaquil? come back next time to see!
was it good this time plz comment even if its critisism because i want to know how to fix my storys!
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 16, 2010 6:16 pm

Okay, so I'm gonna comment, and it's probably going to look like I didn't like the story. Please try not to see it that way..


A bit of paragraphing is very pleasing to the eye, rather than a wall of text. Normally, on the internet, the main way of paragraphing is to skip a line like I'm about to do now.

A new line break should occur every time somebody new speaks. It tends to stretch out the story a bit further down the page, but it looking longer isn't necessarily a bad thing, you know?

Also, I've noticed that you're putting in the comma or other punctuation before the end of the sentence at the end of the speech quotes. Yay. That's right. That's good. ^^
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z_zman
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:03 pm

Chikorita (half a dozen times, at least) and Cyndaquill got misspelled a few times as well. But other then that it was easy to figure out as well, and i agree try to do some of the things that Shedskin has mentioned.
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:02 pm

thx for all the tips that will help alot, you know i wasn't gonna write the next story till later but i might as well!

As Milly was running after the Cyndaquill she thought to herself, i'm sorry that i hurt the cyndaquill's feelings! She ran and ran untill she reached a river. "Oh no!" she cried. "What am i to do where is that cyndaquil?" "Exceuss me but, i heard you were looking for a cyndaquil could it be this one behind me?" asked a yound boy that was behind her, she looked around and said "Yes thats it thank you so much!" "Well, could i help you return it because me and him were just hanging out here for awhile i'd like to say goodbye to it," said the boy. "Of course you can!" Milly answered, so they went off toward the lab.

"Hello! We've found the cyndaquil!" yelled Milly. "We?" said prof. Zeman in a questing tone. "Oh, we, i see you brought a friend with you, wats his name?" asked Prof. Zeman, Milly grew bright red. "Oh my gosh, i'm sorry wat is your name?" asked Milly still very bright red. "Oh my name is Lin," he answered. "well, nice to meet you young man," said Prof. Zeman."The plesures all mine sir," said Lin. "Um, sir it's my tenth birthday i didn't get an invitation but i would like to get my first pokemon, sir," said Lin. "Well young sir, you are in luck we just happened to have one pokemon left over take you pick," said the proffesor. "Thank you so much but i already know who i want," said Lin. "You want that cyndaquil don't you boy?" asked the proffesor. "yes sir i do," anwsered Lin. "Now that would be just great!" said prof. Zeman. "don't you think so Milly? Milly?" they looked over to see chikorita jumping into Milly's arms. "Aww your so sweet!" said Milly. "Well now young lady you want chikorita don't you?" asked Prof. Zamen. "Why yes as a matter of fact i do," said Milly. "well then its offical you get the chikortia and Lin you get the cyndaquil," said prof. Zamen. "Thank you sir!" they said at the same time, they looked at each other and laughed. then they walked out the door. now what will happen next in our yound trainers life well youll have to wait till next time!!!
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Azure
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:16 am

Awesome job, Dede!
Wait until Mr. Link reads it (a.k.a. person who's name starts with an S and ends with an H and has an E and T in between. Oops, did I give it away?)
Just like everyone mentioned above, careful on the capitalization and spellings! I'm definitely seeing improvement xD

I might make a story too if I have time on my hands, hehe o.O
Good luck Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:07 am

haha i really do need to work on spelling thats for sure but hey wat ever. and good luck to u if u do make ur own story just don't copy mine kk? I think i got a good idea for the next part ppl but i don't think im ready to writed the next one
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PostSubject: AM I ALOUD   Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:44 am

TO PUT SOME SCARY TALES IVE MADE UP
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dedebird
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:13 am

what don't u dare post anything but comments on my thread!!
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z_zman
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Thu Feb 18, 2010 2:48 am

lol dede be nice o_o well yes spelling would help you dede... but other then that its great... keep it up girl!xP
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:43 am

Teeheehee! xD

Let Salamence comment, Dede. Atleast he's appreciating something, or not...But well, who suggested a name for Dedekun besides me? Him, of course. xD
LOL, before you kill me, I'd like to say: I'm looking forward to the next part of the story! xD

*Runs!!*
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PostSubject: THE BIDD IS KNOW A FREAKIN UGLY DEMON MONSTER   Thu Feb 18, 2010 9:39 am

THATS PRETTY MEAN lol!
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z_zman
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:20 pm

Salamence has no say anymore **ignores him** but i still have to listen to the two girls Rolling Eyes Mad
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:25 am

ok 1rst of all i said he can't post his scary storys but he can post or wat ever and 2nd your dead meat i can't belive your bring that dedekun thing up again arrggg ur dead!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:35 am

dede dont get mad lol
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Fri Feb 19, 2010 7:54 am

next story!

Milly had already chose her first stop, violet city, she had heard it has a gym there so she was going. "Milly wait!" Lin yelled running after her. "What do you need lin?" she asked. "I was wondering where you're gonna go next," said Lin. "Well, i'm going to Violet city how about you?" she asked Lin. "Well, first i'm going to cherrygrove city to tell my grandfather what has happened," anwsered Lin staring at his feet. "What do you mean?" asked Milly noticing he didn't seem to be happy about telling his grandfather. "Well, i wasn't supposed to become a trainer on this trip i was just supposed to deliver this pokegear," said Lin. "Pokegear?" she asked "Oh my gosh mabye it's mine my pokegear didn't get here on time so i just left without it!" said Milly. "I was supposed to give it to a Penny adkinz, are you Milly adkinz?" asked Lin. "Why, yes i am!"exclaimed milly. "wow i'm so lucky," said Lin, handing Milly here pokegear. "Well thanks alot!" said Milly. "But back to you not supposed to become a trainer," said Milly. "Oh ya, you see i'm not supposed to become a trainer my grandfather thinks it's a waste of time," said Lin. "Well that is just dumb," said Milly, after a bit of thought she said, "cherrygrove city is on the way to violet city lets go together!" she said. "REally thank you so much!!!" yelled lin in appretiation. "No problem! lets go" she said and then they went on their way. what will happen with their newly found friend ship? come back next time to find out!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:05 am

next story get ready i think this will be a good one! ^.^

our two new trainer friends had just stoped for lunch after a tiring walk all day "we are gonna have to get used to walking so much," said Lin. "i know its soooo tiring i can't walk another step, lets stay here for the night," suggested Milly. "thats a fantastic idea!" Lin laughed. "ok well you set up the tents i'll go find some fire wood," said Milly. "Thats fine," said Lin. "Ok be back in a bit," said Milly walking away.

as milly was looking for fire wood she saw a saw an adorable sentret, "awwww its so cute i just got to catch it," Milly said to herself. "Chikorita go!" she yelled. "Chikorita use takle," chikorita charged at sentret, sentret got a direct hit, but it got up and used furry swipes, "Chikorita takle again!" yelled Milly to chikorita, chikorita used takle sentret was down, Milly threw the pokeball. it wobled once... twice... three times... and yes she caught it her very first pokemon! she rushed back to the camp

"Lin look i caught a sentret isn't it cute?" she said as she let it out of its ball. "O wow milly great job!" he congratulated her. "I know im so excited!" said Milly. "well lets cook up some diner and celebrate," said Lin. "Thats a good idea," she said. Milly caught a new pokemon good for her but what will happen next time? come back next time to find out!
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:42 pm

U runined it!you could have hr capture a hootoot.i mean a sentret?im sure he could like to use his first captured pokemon in tghe elite four but hoes he supposed to use tht?
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:19 pm

Noctowl owns and Furrett is ok but completely annoying...
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:34 am

I used a Furret against the Elite Four. I loved those things.

Meganium, Typhloion, Feraligator, Alakazam, Steelix, and Furret.

Furret/Sentret can hold its own in a local battle! Don't let them tell you otherwise! ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Tue Feb 23, 2010 9:08 am

wow u guys sentret is a cutie so i chose it hoot hoot is ugly rofl besides it wasn't excatly night yet thats for the next part xD oops did i give somthing away??
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PostSubject: Re: Dede's story corner   Mon Mar 01, 2010 3:32 am

Enjoying the story so far, YAY SENTRET! n_n
We're waiting for more! And Lin seems like such a good kiddo xD
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